I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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