So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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