i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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