it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
