I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
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