I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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