lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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