I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
