would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
