Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
