im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize