Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
