Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
