In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
