I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
