Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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