Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
