tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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