he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
