"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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