Your face is a jimmy john
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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