i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
