She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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