I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Is it because I queefed?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
