i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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