thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
