Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize