A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
