he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I currently don't understand fingers.
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