dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
