Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
