There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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