You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
