she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
