the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think my moral compass just broke
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