it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Floor bacon is actually really good
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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