guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
