This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
