You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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