I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
