Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
