I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
