I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
