if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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