I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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