I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
