I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
