Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
