Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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