ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
