i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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