if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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