Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
