you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
