I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
