I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
