I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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