My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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