Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
